Crit Success

“He slimed me!”

The clock above the glowing fireplace read two o’clock in the morning. My tired figure sluggishly groaned as I stared at the luminescent television screen that tried to inspire me with show after boring show. It was that time of night where no matter how many channels you flipped through, nothing grabbed your attention.

Groaning in frustration between going to bed and wasting precious time, I sat up from the comfortable couch cushions and began to make my way to the bedroom. As I took the oh-so-famous walk of shame towards my bedroom, I hung my head in defeat. The boredom and nighttime anxiety had finally broken through my wall. Yet, like Gandalf arriving during Helm's Deep’s final hours, one word, one glorious word rallied my tired eyes to take up arms against the night. This word was, “Ghostbusters”.

With new-found meaning in the night, I charged the VCR player and prepared myself for one of the greatest comedies of all time. After an hour and thirty minutes of laughing, quoting and passing gas, the credits began to roll. I listened carefully to the final tune, and as the last logo crawled onto the screen, I grabbed my remote control and rewound the movie to the last scene. The mighty Stay-Puft marshmallow man was about to devour our heroes, but in a brief instance of pure insanity and ingenuity the impossible was done: the beams were crossed. The fluffy white exploded into a white, frothy inferno, and the day was saved.

I continued to watch this scene over and over again, looking at it deeper and deeper with each second that ran past my eyes. That’s when I noticed something; something was odd about this movie, something that I never had noticed before.

Ghostbusters is all about sex.

Now, before I explain this huge leap in logical sense, I know that some of you haven’t seen this movie. This is unacceptable; you need to go out to the nearest video rental store, or even better go to the nearest Wal-Mart or Target, and buy this movie. And if you don’t have the money, that’s no still no exception. You have to buy this movie.

One of the greatest movies of all time, Ghostbusters, is all about that adrenaline pumping, hormonal raising, baby-making, hot, heated process that most of us find exhilarating. This mating dance starts off with Dr. Peter Venkman, played by Bill Murray, experimenting on two impressionable college students. One of them is a male student trying to earn five dollars, the other one is a blonde heartthrob, whose ditzy ways entrance the Professor. This is where we get a small taste of Bill Murray’s character. Peter Venkman puts on his charm and seduces Ms. Blondie. His clever lines and contagious smile light up the screen, and we can see that he is doing a fairly good job at stirring some feelings into the young miss. We know so, because most of us feel the same way towards Peter Venkman.

Now everything is going according to Venkman's plan until Dr. Raymond Stantz, played by Dan Aykroyd, halts his sexual conquest (or, in layman’s terms, “cockblocks”) by telling him that an apparition has appeared in the library. Dr.Venkman, sexually frustrated, tries to tell Ray that he is in the midst of an experiment, but sadly, this course of action fails to work, and Ray drags Peter off to the library. Ray and Peter meet up with their fellow colleague, Dr. Egon Spengler, played by Harold Ramis, and, after a few short minutes of diagnosing the problem with some silly banter, the team goes down to the lower level of the library. Here, Egon and Ray notice that there is most certainly an apparition amongst them. Venkman, being the man that he is, shakes off their scientific language and remains aloof. That is, until our heroes find a quantity of ectoplasmic goo that has been spewed over a library rack. Egon, intrigued by the goo, tells Venkman to take a sample. With much groaning, Venkman stubbornly takes a sample of goo, or “ghost boogers.” These boogers, however, don’t resemble mucus at all. In fact, the boogers could be more comparable to semen. The material isn’t clear, and it isn’t a yellow substance; it has more of a white shade to it.

After collecting a small sample of the ghost sperm, Doctor Venkman and the gang try to make contact with this ghost, but sadly, since they have no way to contain it yet, the ghost gets the best of them. These guys don’t have a plan, and they have no idea how to contain this ghost that has appeared in front of them. So, after making contact, these boys run for their lives.

From our heroes running away, a few scenes have gone by, where Dr. Venkman and the gang proceed to purchase an abandoned firehouse. While Venkman and Egon are exploiting Ray’s inheritance and giving into Ray’s whims to buy an old fire house, we cut to a nice, quaint apartment complex. The ever-so-lovely Dana Barrett, played by Sigourney Weaver, saunters down a long hallway. It’s a nice place: lovely, snow-white walls, a nice stoney rug that would probably hurt when you slept on it, and the creepy neighbor from down the hall. That’s right, before she can make it to her door, the ever-presumptuous Louis appears before her. This pint-sized man with think glasses calls out for some sort of romantic engagement, which Dana turns down rather subtly. This creates a spark sexual frustration inside of our thick-framed nerd. He quivers and goes back to his apartment ashamed. Dana, however, walks into her apartment and starts to experience supernatural events, which consist of eggs frying on her counter-top, and the magical portal of doom and despair opening up in her fridge.

Now, all of these odd apparitions and supernatural events that have occurred thus far have been directly linked to a character experiencing some sort of sexual frustration or annoyance. The first ghost appeared when Ray stopped Venkman, and the second event happened when Dana turned down Louis. These ghosts have a connection to the pent up sexual tension that has been quite present in our characters' lives.

Our story continues when Dr.Venkman, being rather sassy to the newly hired secretary, Janine Melnitz, walks into his office. As soon as he departs, Egon appears from beneath the secretary’s desk looking rather awkward. The secretary begins the traditional style of flirting, asking the doctor if he has any hobbies. After the question is posed the phone rings, and after a few minutes, we see Dana asking the Ghostbusters, the new group that Egon, Ray, and Peter have formed, for assistance.

Once in the abandoned firehouse, Dana begins to tell of her story of a furious beast and the insidious frying of eggs. Now, as we have seen thus far, Dana is a very attractive woman; she has a beauty that most men and women would find appealing and Dr. Venkman certainly does. For as soon as she is done with her story of woe, Peter quickly jumps in to check out her place in hopes that he may finish this day with a happy ending, instead of actually trying to deduce her problem.

So Dr. Venkman, full of hopes and fantasies, rushes off to her apartment, where he makes some flirtatious gestures and clever, witty retorts. Yet, his usual seducation is failing at the moment, and Dana turns him down. His sexual conquest has been halted, and he can feel the frustration build in him more.

Peter, now filled with sexual energy, almost calls the next ghost into the storyline. While they are sitting in that abandoned firehouse, they get a call from the local hotel saying that they have a current ghost problem. Seeing this as an opportunity to leap out and conquer their sexual frustration, I mean, the apparition, the gang quickly rush off to the hotel.

Once they’ve arrived and acted like their witty selves (seriously, this movie is hilarious and all of you need to watch it), they find their second apparition, and the third supernatural event that has occurred in this movie. Ready to take on this ghost with their misshapen “guns”, which, in all honesty, can be seen as an innuendo for penis, they charge into the swanky place, ready to tame this frustration they have. This course of action, however, takes Peter Venkman getting slimed and a gross amount of property damage in order to contain this ghost. How do these guys contain such a thing? They contain the green ghost by using the streams that come out of their guns, aka masturbating. Before they actually capture this ghost, the boys are told that they can not cross their streams or bad things will happen. We are not too sure what sort of bad things, but bad things indeed (this sort of action is covered more in B3nny L4v4’s article)

After this encounter we cut to a montage of the gang fighting off ghosts with their newfound way of relieving themselves. When sexual frustration raises its ugly head, all they have to do is fire their streams at it and all is well. While the different shots to the famous Ghostbuster’s theme song go by, we notice that Ray has a very odd sexual fetish, which is that he enjoys ghosts a bit too much. Now, in the context which we are talking about, it appears that Ray gains some sort of sexual pleasure off of the other’s sexual frustration. Now, I know that this seems odd, but it just makes you wonder.

Following this great montage we stumble across Dr.Venkman dancing in the courtyard outside of a grand auditorium. It’s a nice little jig that features some sort of skipping action. He continues to dance until the beautiful face of Dana appears from the auditorium. She smiles and chuckles at Peter’s silly antics. They begin to flirt, enjoying each other’s company. Dana, finally falling to Dr. Venkman’s charm, agrees to go out on a date with him. This then sparks an odd sexual tension between the two characters; one that has not yet been seen in this movie. The excited Dr. Venkman rushes back to the firehouse.

Now, back at the firehouse, we see the secretary once again trying to hook up with the Egon, whose awkwardness makes this relationship a classic geek on geek relationship. During their flirting, Walter Peck walks into the office. Walter Peck is an environmentalist who wishes to understand the power supply of this place. Peter gives him some lip, and thus begins a conflict which will fall later on in the story.

Meanwhile, Louis, who is currently having a party, waits patiently for the lovely Dana to walk down the hallway. As soon as her footsteps are near his door, he steps out to confront her. With hopes high, he asks Dana if he wishes to come to his party. Dana shoots him down, however, by saying that’s she having a date with another man. This generates sexual frustration in young Louis. As we can see, a few experiences with sexual energy have gone down, which only means some sort of supernatural activity will ensue. Sadly, for Dana, she is the target of this next attack. For as soon as she stumbles into her room, the evil demon-dog known as Zuul sucks her into a closet.

After Dana has become demon dog dinner, we skip over to Louis’s party, where a very sad, bottle-glassed geek sighs. This is until a blond bombshell asks the accountant to dance with him; this interaction sparks some more sexual tension in the room, which results in his own demon-dog showing up on his bed. He proceeds to run for his life, and hilarity follows him.

Cutting to Peter walking towards Dana's apartment, we see a smile on his face and a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Knocking on the door, the sultry Dana opens up the door looking more stunning then ever. She asks him if he’s the “Keymaster”, which can be easily translated to “penis” once again, for she is the Gatekeeper, an obvious metaphor for vagina. Venkman denies that he is this Keymaster, which results in the door being slammed in his face. Then, out of curiosity, Peter lies to the possessed Dana and gains access to her apartment. Now Peter is fully aware of the odd sexual tension that is being thrown at him by this demon-dog-possessed woman, and he can’t satisfy her. There is really one thing he can, do and that is to call his buddies to make sense of this situation.

Meanwhile, thanks to the sexual tension between Janine and Dr. Egon, the now demon-dog-possessed Louis winds up at the Ghostbusters door. Now, during this mess, we begin to see Walter Peck, the man I mentioned before, come more into the picture. Since neither of these characters can relieve themselves of this sexual pressure that is building, there seems to be a slight build up in the pressure of the movie.

This moment is when Walter Peck stumbles into the room and makes his way downstairs to the mighty contraption that has kept all of these apparitions at bay. Feeling the need to power this sort of device down, Peck proceeds to destroy the very thing the Ghostbusters have used to relieve their sexual anxiety. Once he destroys this, all of this sexual energy results in an explosion, or a climax, if you will, that releases all of the sexual frustration that has been hidden away for so long. In this moment however, Louis and Dana somehow are able to find each other in this mess to summon the biggest sexual frustration of the all, Goozer.

Our heroes, after going through some shenanigans dealing with the Mayor, prison and the like, march their way into battle towards Dana’s apartment. Once they climb the mighty steps of the building, they confront the mighty Goozer, who happens to take the form of the mighty Stay-Puft marshmallow man. In order to defeat this creature, they have to cross their streams, something that is never to be done. So once they do the unspeakable (testing out a new field of sexuality), the Stay-Puft Marshamallow explodes and sprays white goo everywhere. Let me repeat that: after the Stay-Puft marshmallow man is attacked it explodes into white goo. Now, if I have to explain the sexual part of this, then one probably should repeat a health class.

All of the Ghostbusters are covered in this white goo, except for Peter Venkman, who has a small bit on him. He was not relieved of his sexual tension, which is why he was able to stumble across Dana, the woman who he fell in love with.

This final scene thus wraps up Ghostbusters, and shows that we probably need to take a look at movies a bit closer, because we may never know what sort of sexual theme might be hiding underneath its white layers of fluff.

-The Geekfather

Crit Success

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